On being lonely

Day 9. I have never been more frightened than when...

I have never been more frightened when... well, I don't remember a moment when I've felt extremely afraid but what I'm afraid most of is being alone. Yes, I have "autophobia". Because of peer pressure and a lack of knowledge about society, I've always thought that I need somebody beside me, that I need somebody to complete me, that I'm not whole, that I'm a half of something.

Throughout school, both middle and high school, I always felt jealous at the happy boys and girls that were walking down the corridors, running into each other's embraces, hugging and kissing each other as if there was no one around them, as if there were in a paradise where only couples lived. Things only get worse around Valentine day when couples express their love way too intensely and people that don't have partners complain even more than before. I wanted to be in that love paradise, I wanted to be there so much because everyone made such a deal out of it and I thought that it actually was a big deal. In order to protect my consciousness, I told myself and others that I hate them, that I despise every part of their being but really all I felt was - meh. What I actually wanted is to know myself more. Paradoxically, I had to be even more alone to understand that being alone doesn't mean that you'll be surrounded by darkness and evil spirits - you'll always have yourself. Now that I've realized that I'm not actually lonely, I plan the things that I want to experience in order to enrich myself. I plan on making my home inside my head so that I'll always be at home, at the safest place I know.

“Never make your home in a place. Make a home for yourself inside your head. You’ll find what you need to furnish it – memory, friends you can trust, love of learning and other such things. That way, it will go with you whenever you journey. You’ll never lack for a home – unless you lose your head, of course…”

Doctor Morgenes (1)

Work used:

Picture - http://www.deviantart.com/art/Totoro-445939237 by Qinni

(1) Quote from "The Dragonbone Chair" by Tad Williams